Loneliness is something I come across as a common thread with many of the clients I support with the Gentle Trauma Release Method and empowerment coaching.
It’s not just my clients who often feel loneliness in their lives; many of the human beings that I connect with in my day to day life have struggled with this as well.
I think it’s worth talking about loneliness to normalize this human experience and remove the shame around it, because it’s not something we typically talk about .How often have you felt lonely and told no one? I certainly didn’t offer this up as part of casual conversation when I felt utterly alone and vulnerable.
“How are you doing, Ramona?”
“Not bad..pretty lonely right now. No one knows, loves, hears or sees me. I’d like to crawl into a hole and die.”
Said no one ever (at least not outside of my coaching conversations). I want you to know that you’re not the only one, if you feel lonely, and that there is hope as I’ve witnessed empowered inner transformations within other women who’ve felt desperately and achingly alone.
Loneliness During Life Transitions
Loneliness can often come up for you when you’re in a transition. What I mean by this is something is shifting in your identity and how you perceive yourself or choose to show up in the world.
Loneliness can be present when you change how you define yourself, what you identify with, what you connect with, as well as what you’re releasing, and when things as they are no longer align with you.
If you’re going through a transition in your identity, that can feel pretty lonely, because you’re no longer who you used to be. But you’re not yet fully who you’re going to become.
You may find yourself in this in-between stage. The people and the circumstances that used to align with you just don’t anymore. Relationships, past-times and even religion that used to feel good to you feel superficial, draining, stagnant or downright irritating.
This doesn’t necessarily mean that there’s anything wrong with these circumstances or people. They just don’t match the person that you’re becoming and you want something else in your life.
Loneliness & Trauma
I often find that there is loneliness when you are carrying trauma in your system.
Sometimes there’s this misconception that trauma is only when there’s abuse, or some catastrophic event. Sometimes that is true. But there’s quite often the underlying relational trauma that has a tendency to pass through families.
There might be a separation or divorce along the way, or a disconnect or unhealthy dynamic with your parents, or even a fractured relationship with one of your own children, your adult child. This would hurt and my heart feels for you if you’re going through this.
I have come across this many times when there’s intergenerational trauma, and it’s not because you screwed up or did something wrong. I just find that this dynamic plays out and it’s hurtful.
I want you to know that you’re not alone if you’re feeling lonely because you’ve been betrayed by someone you loved and trusted, or you’ve felt like you’ve been abandoned.
Loneliness is something I will often help women with, especially if you’re navigating a life transition or you’re healing from trauma. You’re welcome to talk to me about this if you want some support or you want to explore what that may be like.
Often there’s this underlying sense with trauma that there’s something wrong with you or something unlovable about you, or that you’re just not able to connect with people and you’re better off just alone. That’s not true.
Connecting With People Who You Can Be Real With
We are social creatures by nature. You need to connect with people that you can be real with and just relax in their presence. If you haven’t experienced that in the past, it might seem like that’s an elusive goal.
I want to encourage you to, first of all, get comfortable with your own company.
I find myself at this stage of life with limited energy for anything superficial, draining, busy, or that requires me to “perform”. So I don’t tend to look super social as I protect my own energy, which is valuable and has a limited supply. Consider for yourself what your capacity is.
If you’re able to lean into what makes you feel good in your body, heart,and soul, first look at those things.You can have a wonderful partner, wonderful children, wonderful friends, but if you’re not comfortable with your own self you’re still going to feel lonely.
What if you get curious about what feels good to you, even if it seems silly or selfish or just not necessary? That’s the point.
Bit by bit, let people earn your trust, because you’re not going to bare your soul to everybody. You need to have boundaries around that . You’re going to have to get a sense of who you can really share your true self with as you allow them to show you who they are. Notice if they are supportive, kind and curious about you.
Not everybody needs to be super close to you, however, lean into finding people that you can gradually open up to and feel safe around. As you show up authentically, you’ll naturally repel people who aren’t for you, and that’s ok! You’ll also make room for experiences, friends, social connections and partners who totally fit the real you.
If you can’t be yourself with someone or with a situation or a group, it just may not be a good fit for you. If you’re trying to “perform” to be accepted or included, that feels lonely. If you have to hide or suppress your true self, that feels lonely. If you aren’t even clear on who your “real self” is, that’s a healing journey that I support women with.
I don’t know about you, but I’m so over trying to feel accepted where I need to shift myself and change myself in any way. I will read the room obviously and not overshare, but I’m done with trying to force anyone to see me differently than who I am.
If you’re trying to conform to a persona that’s not you so you’ll be accepted, that feels lonely. What if you gave yourself permission to foster more genuine, heart driven connections? It doesn’t need to be a large number of people, but where can you be more yourself?
You Don’t Have To Keep Experiencing Loneliness
Please message me if there’s more you want me to expand on this, but I just wanted to touch on this topic because I think loneliness is a hard thing to feel as a human being.
Connect to yourself first and be at peace with who you are, your lovableness, your worthiness to yourself, and then make connections where you can be authentic.
This is easier said than done, and sometimes some support is needed instead of just trying harder. This is where I help on a few levels so this connection to yourself is even possible.
And if the connections you have now don’t match that, where can you seek out some new ones?
Maybe you can open yourself up to meeting people who match your energy? Meet yourself with kindness, compassion and self care first.
How does that feel to you? Leave a comment below or send me a message.